Recovery Runs and Other Maintenance Strategies

...Because 50 mile weeks require running smart!

I did it! I ran a 50 mile week! Granted this was because I ran 19 on Sunday, 4.1 and 6.6 during the week, and 20 on Saturday. But hey, 50 is 50. (Don't you call me on the 49.7 because I will eat your face.)

The 19 I ran last Sunday was a 65 degree day in Boston along the Charles, at a 9:20 pace. It was AWESOME, though I got some weird calf cramps around mile 16 and had to keep stopping and stretching. Haven't felt it before or after that, so that's good.

I'm pretty sure my Heaven will have warm Mexican beaches, inebriated nights under a sparkling Eiffel Tower, and 65 degree runs along the Charles.

The 20 I ran this Saturday, which is the only time I have consecutive 20-ish milers from week to week in my schedule, was a 65-70 degree day along the Minuteman Rail Trail from Lexington to Arlington to Fresh Pond in Cambridge. The first 5 miles were blissful, and I was excited/pressured to get to an open house afterwards, and I sped down the path, taking it all in. And then I hit the wall at mile 15 like something WRETCHED. I swear I can feel when I run out of glycogen because my breathing changes and I can just imagine my muscles struggling to switch to fat burning mode. Plus I ran out of water and had to stop at Burger King to refill, which has never happened to me. It was HOT. Further, I knew I wasn't feeling great when I started, especially with the 19 miler still lingering within eyesight, but I did that stupid thing where I figure, "Eh, I'll just push through it," and then I die. I remember someone saying on the bus to Boston last year that for every 10 seconds you go out too fast, you lose 30s (or 1 minute?) per mile at the end. I started at a 9 minute pace, actually dipped below 9 for a few miles, and ended at a 9:45 pace. Ok ok. I won't do it again...

Regardless, one of the best things a runner can hope for in training for a marathon is weather that simulates race-day conditions. I don't know about you, but man does this year smell like 2012, and I'll take all the warm long runs I can get, lest it be 87 on race day...

And now on to the real point of this post: Maintenance.

1. Stretching a lot including power vinyasa yoga #obsessed #downdog #warriorpose
2. Cross training with spin.
3. Recovery runs

The key difference between training for this marathons and other ones is what I'm doing the week. For a variety of reasons in the last two Bostons, I've pretty much done my long runs (maybe skipped one), slogged a couple of 5 milers during the week, and squeaked by with a 4:09, which is a 9:30 pace.

This time, I'm running hard during the week and so far, keeping up with my Yasso's, and kind of keeping up with hills... AND also cross training by spinning. I'm being better about stretching fully after all my runs and spins. My legs are tired, and I'm working hard on tired legs, and I'm working harder than ever -- but NOT injured, dare I say. I feel tired but fine. Spinning and stretching help a lot.

However today was the first time I've done a recovery RUN after a 20 miler. I didn't get to stretch yesterday because I was late finishing up, and I was too lazy to go to spin at 8am on my last day of vacation, so I gave it a shot. Given that I could barely walk down the steps this morning, it wasn't surprising when those first few strides? stumbles? down Zion Hill were excruciating. But as I got warmed up, it felt good. Like, painful physical therapy after an injury that you know is good for you- good. I think the idea with a recovery run is that you stretch out the muscles that were previously overused, get some good healthy blood flow returning to them, and flush out some of the waste. I liked it. This may be my new favorite discovery.

Marathons are full of them.

Now to build in some speedwork to kick that 9:20 long run pace... got to get that closer to 9:00...

Happy running :)

Blogging with a toddler on my lap!!

I think I (very periodically.) maintain this blog to shed some light into what it's like to train for a marathon, at least from my perspective. I never thought I would be a runner when I was younger, and when I did start running, never thought I'd have it in me to run a marathon. I think I want my readers to know that if *I* can do it, anybody can do it.

And "it" doesn't necessarily have to be running. It can be whatever you think would be really cool -- challenging, rewarding, growth-yielding, enjoyable. If you just keep plugging, good things will happen.

(Watch from today's run on my FAVORITE Minuteman Rail Trail, from Lexington to Davis Square. 50 degrees and running towards Boston amidst a sea of pussy hats and marathon trainers? Yes please.)

So in the spirit of shedding light on marathon training, I thought I'd shed some light on the crazy thoughts I have while running crazy miles.

1. Can I run this pace for two hours?
2. Food.
3. Zoe.
4. Can I run this pace for two hours?
5. That's a weird looking stick.
6. Can I run this pace for two hours?
7. Food
8. Jon.
9. School
10. School
11. School
12. School
13. Can I run this pace for two hours?
14. Margaritas
15. School
16. School
17. Look! Pussy hats!
18. Can I run this pace for two hours?
19. School
20. I'm getting tired. Time to try some dates as fuel.
21. Are these dates hurting my belly?
22. School
23. I LOVE THIS SONG.
24. (Many dance moves in my head)
25. (Swear words)
26. School

etc.

The dates were a big deal today because Gu and Honey Stingers upset my stomach and ruin my run, so I've been searching for an alternative. Dates supposedly also have a good dose of electrolytes, which would be good as salt caps are a little too strong for me, and Gatorade makes my mouth taste disgusting. I think it was successful?! I generally try not to take fuel in my runs under 16 miles, but I want to figure out what kind of fuel works, and get my system used to it. I'm ok with it. It would be really nice if dates were a solution!!!

Ever wonder what it's like to be in my head, not just running, but in most situations? Enjoy. Especially about 3 minutes in. Loooove me some Pitbull!!!!

Happy running :D

2017 Aspirations

Hopkinton start lines, and
Pounding up Heartbreak.
High fives at Wellesley and one more Gu I'll take
Running long miles for smiles in spring,
These are a few of my favorite things!

When the wall hits,
Or bad hamstrings,
Or my knees are mad,
I'll simply remember my favorite things,
And then I won't feel so bad!

(photo from mile 26.0 in 2012, 87 degrees. The picture shows elation. I was elated to have the finish line in sight as I'd thought I was going to collapse. I was completely delusional and steps away from entering 12 hours of wicked nausea and vomiting. lol why do I do this?!)

And if you're still reading, some training thoughts below.

Since Zoe was born, running is a whole different beast. Being well rested is not a thing. Having time is not a thing. I'm basically booked from 5:15am to 8pm. But what can I do with the time I do have, without further burning the candle at both ends? I realized with the last 4 marathons I've run that I've never run more than 30 miles a week. If I want to break 4 hours at Boston (barring any weather disasters), I've got to get some peak weeks closer to 50... which means I've got to fit in some cross training and core training to avoid injury...

I remember when I joined Greater Boston Track in 2011 that the first thing the coach asked me was how many miles a week I was running. I proudly told him 50 (ha, I probably did that twice,) and he kind of paused-- as in, 50 mpw was not enough to be a serious runner!!!! I guess I get it, especially in their elite, dedicated status. Mentally I know I can do 30 miles per week and run a marathon. It's comfortable. So the new challenge is to fit in more miles, and more purposeful miles, to see if we might be able to run a marathon better...

Goals:
1. Tuesday spin with Jen.
2. Planks and IT band stretching and foam rolling... let's make this realistic. Two mornings a week.
3. YASSOS. This has been the workout missing from my training consistently. "Yasso 800's" mean running 800m (0.5m) in your goal marathon time; ex. 4 hour marathon = running 0.5m in 4 minutes, followed by 4 minute recovery. You start with four of these repeats, and over time increase to 10 repeats. I think this is a huge part of what made my training successful for Marine Corps. And they're not that bad.
4. Hills - maybe Spickets? Though Andover has some good ones too, for sure. Once a week. This time I'm going to keep my long runs and hilly runs separate. Hilly long runs were too tiring.
5. Running hard the day before the long run. Yasso's might be a good way to do this. The intent is to tire you out, a. So you don't run too fast on the long run, and b. So you run long on tired legs, to get used to running on tired legs.
6. Lights out by 10pm on weeknights.
7. Taper by running the same intensity, with less distance. 2 yassos instead of 4. 1 hill repeat instead of 5. Etc.
8. Hit at least one 50 mile week. *If* I run 5 days that week, and one day is a 20 miler, that means 30 miles in 4 days. Which is basically 8 miles per day on the other 4 days. That's not that different from 5, right? ... Right?

Obstacles:
1. Time: Maybe run at 2:30 and come back to finish work until 4...? HAHA ya right.
2. Health: working hard without time for extra sleep.

::cough:: And the last list I've been working on...
Vices:
1. Coffee
2. Dancing in my car to terrible (and my terrible I mean amazing) hip hop from 15 years ago like I'm still in high school. I would say the same for 80's music except 80's music cannot possibly be a vice.
3. Staying up too late.
4. And apparently Boston Marathons :D :D :D

Running While Pregnant

And no, I most certainly am NOT pregnant. So cross that off your list.

(There exists a lengthy "rainy day" list of blog posts I'm secretly brainstorming all. the. time. about running. A few friends recently have brought up running while pregnant or what it's like to run afterwards, and so this line item comes to fruition.)

Physicians subscribe to a wide range of beliefs about running while pregnant that are terribly confusing for mamas-to-be. My understanding is that there's not a whole lot of research that exists because it would be unethical, beyond things like "People Women who run while pregnant tend to have smarter babies," and the caveat that correlation does not equal causation. The fear of not knowing if running/exercise in general might be bad for baby scares some running moms straight to the couch for 9 months.

I know I am lucky to live in a progressive area with many like-minded physicians. I started a Facebook group for running moms -- @LSTRunnerMamas (we're up to 205 people!) and have confirmed my suspicion that these kinds of doctors are not ubiquitous. So it helps to have a community of women to support each other and provide another source of experiences. We don't give out medical advice!!- but we maybe nudge each other to get a second opinion if something doesn't sound right.

And our conversation about running of course extends well beyond pregnancy. (Training tips? How do you find time? How cold do you bring baby out in? What's the best stroller? MPG = marathon parent guilt, and more! Love my running mamas.)

My very talented, dedicated running friend ran throughout her pregnancy. Even in her 38th? week -- I was still a little bit struggling to keep up at her 8:30/mi pace every Thursday afternoon. (Can you imagine running 8:30s while 9 months pregnant?) At that point baby kept kicking her in the hip bone and the doc suggested maybe it was time to lay low. Baby heard this and decided to make an appearance 4 days later.

Her experience in mind, I set out to run through the 38th week of my pregnancy.

Doctor 1, at Boston Hospital: "You won't feel up to it in your first trimester, and you will be too dehydrated in your second trimester because blood volume increases so rapidly."

(ok, so he was right about the first trimester. ::cough:: But it wasn't because he told me so!!)

Doctor 2, at Brookline OB office: OMG YES PLEASE RUN HOW MUCH CAN YOU RUN RUNNNNNNNN

Unfortunately my first trimester ended in January in a pile of snow and ice. But as spring emerged, I was good as new. I happily ran throughout March, in my 5th/6th month, and would literally fantasize about running, while running. I remember running my favorite route through Beverly approaching my favorite park and thinking, "I'M GOING TO RUN EEEVVERRRYYDAAAYY I LOVE RUNNING!"

And then I fell.

I was wearing a baggy long sleeved shirt, so the car that drove by with their windows down, couldn't see that I was 6 months pregnant as they laughed at me.

Luckily I was only half a mile from home but I'd scraped up my knee, elbow, hand - and hip - pretty badly. I still have scars. What a shit show I was walking home.

Ya ya ya. Everything's cushioned in there and evolution and crap. I hear ya. But what a horrific morning that was until the ER told us (over and over again) that we were good to go.

So that was it. I stopped running. My ridiculously progressive OB said, "Eh. Can't you just run slower?" I glared at her. "I have patients fall getting out of the shower who are fine. One woman was in a car accident and was hit so hard her wedding ring flew off, and the baby was fine. Please run." Ok. Thanks but no thanks.

When I told my runner friend about my fall, she kind of looked at me blankly. "What, was your ego bruised? What's the problem? What do you mean you're stopping??", she said. -- I just couldn't do it.

And so began our 4 mile walks around Beverly (or Boston, if we had a doctor's appointment.) Until some test came back at 30 weeks that a certain fetus was trying to make an early appearance and almost had me on bed rest. So I went from runningallthetime to sittingallthetime and just about lost my mind. My solution was to sign up for a half marathon at 14 weeks postpartum.

Beverly: 26 weeks

Windham NH Rail trail: 28 weeks

Boston: 30 weeks, minutes before they almost put me on bed rest

The original friend in this story was back to running at 4 weeks pp, and I was closer to 6-7, after delivering at 38.5 weeks. It was a relatively unremarkable return aside from balancing lack of sleep with desire for intense physical activity. Long walks with the stroller helped ease the transition.

First postpartum run, on the same day as my postpartum follow-up appointment.

NBPT Half Marathon, 14 weeks pp.
(In training, with hormonal/loose tendons, I immediately got injured. But still managed to run a 2:09.)

Other friends/people on LSTRunnerMamas talk about being sidelined due to bleeding while pregnant, or bad pelvic pain. The same goes for postpartum stories. Lady bits turning inside out etc for long after baby arrives. To be sure-- I think the message here is to find a doctor that aligns with your beliefs from the beginning so you know he/she has your best interests in mind, when push comes to shove. (No pun intended, I swear.) Further, running *after* pregnancy is far more important than running during pregnancy, so if hip damage or loose tendon damage or pelvic damage is concerning... maybe it's time to step back.

But to say that one shouldn't run simply because she's pregnant? Hodge podge. We're not frail. I'm a woman and I like to ride my bicycle. Exercise is good. If it's important to you, find a doctor who feels the same way and is up on their research.

Running in the months/years after baby is a whole other beast. Interestingly I'm finding it harder now that she's older, than when she was a baby. But that's a story for another day. ;) Stay strong mamas!

RUNGRY!

As it turns out, running is a fantastic hobby because it combines my six favorite hobbies:

1. Running. Duh.
2. Singing: I have a secret tendency to break into song after 8 miles. Low blood sugar is only partially responsible.
3. Dancing: My 96 beats per minute playlist lets me pretend to live out my dancing fantasies. Mostly in my head. With an occasional interpretive arm gesture. Or jazz hands.



4. Biology. Because anaerobic respiration and ATP for life.

5. Cooking.
6. Eating. Because I'm hungry all the time.

Which brings me to the focus of this post!!

Running consistently cannot exist as an isolated hobby. It's a lifestyle. You have to take an active interest in eating well in order to recover and stay healthy. Of course eating well is important for everyone!!- but also there's real science behind how muscles respond to certain nutrients in the minutes, hours, and days following a workout. (Think, 4:1 carb:protein ratio. Phytochemicals. Unsaturated fats. ::cough:: beer. Etc.)

One of my favorite things to impart upon my students in biology and anatomy is nutrition. (I try in Forensics but the conversation doesn't come as easily. It's tough to talk about what you should be eating for breakfast when you are also trying to analyze blood spatter and estimate time of death, right?) Anyway, we talk about the importance of being knowledgeable about what you eat and the meaning of nutrient-dense food. I share recipes and articles and we discuss the corrupt USDA and FDA systems, and how you can't trust a food label to tell you whether it actually contains 0 trans fat, or whether it's actually good for you. (Did you know Vitaminwater/Coke got sued for portraying themselves as healthy? Their response was that no reasonable person would ever assume it was a healthy product. They lost.)

And don't even get me started on McDonald's.

The kids always come out assuming I'm vegetarian. KIDS!! You don't have to be a vegetarian to make smart food decisions! (Mrs. L, I know. But you're a vegetarian, right?) Facepalm.

What biology has taught me is that the more you know about food, the easier it is to make better choices. Finally last year I swapped my usual turkey sandwich lunch, for a gigantic salad with all kinds of goodies in it. The result? I stopped getting sick. For years, I'd had colds every 10-12 weeks. Last year, I didn't get sick at all. It is conceivable, in my lifetime, that I've contracted a very large portion of and therefore immunity to all the common cold viruses. But I'm more inclined to guess that the salads were providing some nutrients I'd been missing.

It will be great if Jon and I can do everything we can to stay healthy this year, in his inaugural year of teaching an intense schedule. When he gets busy, he simply doesn't eat, and it drives me CRAZY. It's been a theme off and on in his routine and it works for him. But I just don't get it. He came home from school today and reported he'd eaten the oatmeal I made him for breakfast, at lunch time, and never got to his salad or snack. How can I fuel him better on the go?!

LUCKILY I recently received Shalane Flanagan's new cookbook called Run Fast, Eat Slow, which includes among other things a very delicious recipe for "Superhero Muffins." I used Jon's too-busy-to-eat day as an excuse to whip up another batch at 9 o'clock tonight.

This is a seriously awesome cookbook, btw. There's a great 20+ page introduction in which Shalane and her runner/chef/co-author friend describe the choices they made in writing the book and the value of their pantry/recipe staples. I may have started to cringe at their overuse of the word "nourishing" but their message was spot on.

I will totally be sharing their writing, and the Superhero Muffin recipe, with future students. And in the meantime, I'll be feeding Jon and Zoe "super muffins," "supergirl muffins," or "superman muffins," as Zoe calls them.

A few notes about running for another day include how maintaining a summer running schedule is not a strength of mine, how the bunion on my right foot (much nastier than the word sounds) is slowly trying to kill me, and how I fear the surgery that is inevitably lurking years down the road, and how as a result I just switched from the Baystate full marathon to the half marathon. Le sigh.

So for now, we'll focus on nutrition. And I'll leave you with this gem ;)

ilovermont. Or Verdon't? Life as a bandit runner.

I have been putting off writing about last week's Vermont City marathon because I can't come up with a one-liner to summarize how I feel about it, without feeling guilty.

Or is that guilty pleasure?

I'm still not sure. Let's start at the beginning.

In October, Casey asked if I would run a marathon with her, which sounded like an awesome excuse to "have" to do another one. Of course I said yes, and we eventually agreed to run our sixth!! marathon in Burlington, which had been touted as one of the country's best. This was around the time I found out I'd have the opportunity to run Boston in the spring too, but training between the two was a minor detail to be worked out later. It would be like getting a two-for-one - train for one marathon, but actually run two!

Casey trained religiously all winter with a double jogging stroller through colorful injuries and tough northern NY weather, with two young boys trading off illnesses, and a husband deployed in Afghanistan. Seriously she is my hero. Runner's World should write an article about dedicated running mama's like her. If she can do it, anybody can.

We got a house through Airbnb, and her awesome sister and dad agreed to help watch the boys while we ran the marathon. (It takes a village!!) Race weekend finally arrived with a forecast of 84 degrees. That's the kind of temperature where you sort of abandon all goals except finishing. And when the race directors sent out an email that morning asking for runners to comply "if" the race were canceled due to heat, truly finishing became a very real goal. They promised to add extra water stops and roving ice stations and misting stations... but we'll get back to that.

Casey hydrated faithfully and convinced us to run in sports bras, which I'd never done before. (She was totally right! Hooray for evaporative cooling.) We packed some extra saltstick capsules, posted a few Millennial Facebook photos, and off we went.

I whined for the first four miles that we were going too fast, and then we turned onto some godforsaken highway that felt like running under the Tuscan Sun. The first few water stops were 2-3 miles apart. One of them was almost out of water when we went by, and we heard from others who confirmed they actually did eventually run out. By mile 8, Casey wasn't feeling too great, and she definitely wasn't alone. It was 80 degrees with like a gazillion percent humidity. What were the race planners thinking, running out of water so soon???

I hadn't been worried about the heat because Boston in 2012 was hotter and though I was sick after, I'd survived, and I was certain this couldn't be any worse. What I didn't realize until now was what a difference Boston's copious water stops at every mile made.

Casey started to slow down and though she wasn't complaining out loud, her lack of usual loquaciousness had me worried. We pushed on, run-walking, graciously accepting hoses, sprinklers, and popsicles from Burlington's outstanding spectators. (But where we those extra water stops and race-generated ice stations?)

And then it happened. We came out of the port-o-potties at Mile 19 and the race volunteer turned her warning sign from red to black, which we knew meant the race would be called. Their radios garbled something and a volunteer announced that the race had been closed, and to wait to the side for the shuttle to come pick us up. Apparently the "wet bulb globe" reading measured 82 at three different points along the course, three consecutive times, which means the American College of Sports and Medicine recommends discontinuing the race. I looked ahead and saw people still running. A volunteer said that we could try to keep going, but that he didn't know what would be available to us, and that they strongly recommended stopping. So many things went through my head.

1. Poor Casey. They can't do this to her. Just tell us there will be water out there. We've made it this far!
2. Thank goodness there's an excuse to stop. The race was canceled. There's NO shame in stopping. She needs to stop.
3. Oh Burlington. You're telling me that it's against medical advice to finish this marathon, but that I can try if I want to? Do you realize you just made this the sexiest race ever?
4. I'm going to beat that freaking shuttle bus.

Casey promised to still be friends with me and we parted ways reluctantly. This was something I had to do. "Great job," praised the volunteers. "Keep going! You're amazing!" The water stops and spectators were plentiful at each mile, and I discovered what turned out to be the most beautiful ahem, ugly, disgusting part of the course along the bike path and lake. Of course there were also volunteers and EMT's who, with zero emotion in their voices said, "The race is closed. Please wait here for the next bus. There will be no official times." Each time I watched as people continued to run beyond them, and so I followed. I ran along missing my Casey, holding a bag of ice, and sucking happily on a Freeze-pop wondering what my splits were, since my watch had died an hour earlier. I was going to beat that bus.

Until mile 24.

There was a cruiser parked across that beautiful, shaded, delicious bike path, this time not with volunteers and EMT's, but cops. Angry cops.

"DON'T LET ANYBODY GO AROUND YOU. HEY! DON'T YOU GO AROUND ME. IF ANYBODY GOES AROUND YOU, TAKE THEIR BIB. IF YOU GO AROUND ME, I'LL TAKE YOUR BIB!"

How un-Vermontesque, indeed. ("Vermont? How about VerDON'T! Burn!! E Sanders. muahahahaha.")

Again I watched as people continued down the path beyond them. Had I just missed the cutoff? No!! I wanted to beat that bus! I started to come up with something in protest, but didn't have to, as another runner argued with a cop and ripped his own bib off and threw it at him. I took advantage of the diversion, walked a wide path through the parking lot, and rejoined the trail. I was going to beat that bus. SCREW THOSE COPS!!!

"Great job! Keep going," shouted the volunteers. So much confusion. I'm sorry. But you can't tell marathoners they "can't" physically do something, and then not enforce it. As I ran past other runners, who were invariably complaining about the cops and abundance of confusion, we cheered each other on to stay strong and finish.

As I approached the finish, the photographers and spectators increased steadily. This was going to be the best race ever! I did it! I beat the bus! And wouldn't you know it-- the clock was still ticking. Several volunteers waited at the finish to award runners their medals- which I will say had been promised to all marathoners regardless of whether they actually crossed the finish.

I couldn't wait to compare stories with other runners and was thrilled to find John Jannetti and those MVS'ers at the finish. The MVS'ers had respected race management and stopped when they were told to. They were angry that they'd been told to stop. I felt so bad. Man, maybe I had made a mistake.

But... but... SCREW THOSE COPS! I had kind of welcomed the opportunity to run an angry, exciting race against time. I'm generally a pretty docile human. But this became aggressive. Where were the extra water stops, and misting stations, and roving ice stations? There was zero ice from the race. I suppose it was hard to tell what "misting" was provided by spectators as opposed to the race itself. And I'm pretty certain there was no additional water. There had been a push to start the race earlier, and they didn't. If they had started the race at 7 instead of at 8, they could have fit in another hour of the marathon before the wet bulb globe met its threshold. They clearly didn't have a plan for how to *effectively* close the race in case of emergency. When Chicago was closed a few years ago, a bus came around and swept runners off the course. Vermont wasn't anywhere close to being forceful in their shutdown. It's like they wanted me to keep going... right???

And so, it is with some reservation, that I conclude this post on life as a bandit runner. I knew that I was fine this time, but there have been some races that I would not have pushed my luck against medical advice. If I'd had any doubt about my health, I would have stopped, as I wouldn't want to take resources away from anybody else who might need them. The right set of variables were in place to allow me to finish this time. But shhh, don't tell anyone. :)

Bring on Baystate in the fall! Rawr!! Oh and I'll totally be back to Burlington next year. What a beautiful race!

The Fukawi Within

It was August of 1998- the summer before freshman year of high school started. I don't remember much about the summer, but one night will always be memorable. We had family friends over for dinner a couple of weeks before school started when a friend called the house phone, since cell phones weren't really a thing yet--

"Hey, do you want to do cross country with me?" she asked.
"Huh. Ok," I agreed, my 14 year old impulsive brain giving it very little thought. Then, "MOM! CAN I DO CROSS COUNTRY? IT STARTS TOMORROW."

I had NO idea what I was getting myself into. (And the friend who called me didn't make it past the introductory meeting with the coach that day- after he told us we'd be doing our "double sessions" in the mountains, running and hiking 10 hours by day, camping in tents by night.)

The first day of practice, we were sent on a 4 mile loop. I ran maybe 1.5 miles and stopped. "What?" I grimaced. "Everyone else is still running? How is that possible?" What had I done wrong? I chugged along, run-walking, flabbergasted. All the girls made it look so easy. I MUST have been doing it wrong.

That season, I persisted at being very good at bringing up the rear. As a new runner I was scared, but determined. I listened intently to our awesome coaches (and to wildly inappropriate stories from the girls for my naive ears) and tried to learn and adopt the running mindset. We ran an invitational meet in a massive deluge and I sat shivering on our steamy bus, mildly terrified of an unknown coach who came on and yelled, "If you don't want to run in the rain, join the math team!" Displeased at his implication that there was something wrong with the math team, I managed to run a very fun race in the woods, splooshing through wet leaves and dodging puddles. Our lovable but difficult to please coach (not the yeller in this story.) told me I did a nice job.

I was hooked then on running, but I hated racing. H. A. T. E. D. It invariably ruined my day because running that fast always made me feel like puking and I always came in last. Every time we had a race, which was usually twice a week, I'd spend all day debating how I could get out of it. Fake an injury? Fake an illness? We'd warm up and a little voice in my head would say, "Do it! Do it now. Tell coach you're not running." But I never did.

Well ok maybe once.

But I wasn't happy about it. I wasn't a quitter.

I stuck it out and finished the season, still having no idea what I was doing, still always coming in last. ("Oh, you must not have been last every time!," you say. Oh yes. I was last. Every. Time.) Accomplishments included edging close to a 25 minute 5K, and completing a momentous 7 mile "LSD" (long slow distance, which made us giggle every time.) But I was still last.

At the team dinner at the end of the season, the coach began to present what he called the "Fukawi Award."

"...This girl was running a race in the woods and got lost. When she eventually emerged, having no idea what was going on, she shouted, "Where the fukawi?!"

He said he had contemplated giving it to me ("Sciacca!", the girls gasped at him.) but ultimately gave it to our assistant coach, who was precious and possibly equally deserving of the award.

What this boils down to, is that I'm still a fukawi. I just have more experience and am more at ease being one. That's the thing with running. You have to be ok with being anxious about not knowing what's going to happen. Every time you set out to run, you're putting yourself out there and making yourself vulnerable to a little discomfort, of course with the potential for big payoff and delicious endorphins. I still experience the internal battle of whether I'm actually going to lace up or not on a given day, and sometimes the battle continues until nighttime.

Running is about being ok with the fukawi mindset in that we don't always know or have control of what's going on. All we can do is work like crazy to improve, regardless of our circumstances.