Mom Running

You guys. Running as a mom is SO tough.

Some days you win; some days you come home and take a shower sitting down.

I had high hopes that Boston 2019 would be the year that brought the magic number. I'd run 3 seasons of track, ran 4 20 milers instead of my usual 3, ran from Hopkinton to Newton twice, and ran the Newton Hills in practice. I had a fast long run a week before Boston that was the fastest I'd run since 2012. The second time I ran the course, it was 50 degrees and I ran 21 miles at an 8:54 pace. I could do it. I could break 4 hours at Boston. (I've run sub 4 hours at other marathons, but Boston is a beast.)

I was so excited! The weather was all over the place, from a forecasted nor'easter at 45 degrees with rain and 20mph headwinds, to 65 degrees with a 15mph tail/crosswind. This teetered on too hot, but I felt like I could still do it. I even met a red wave superstar friend at Athlete's Village before she took off. This was our year!

I set off with the Striders towards the start. Our yellow wave wouldn't be separated by corrals due to some confusing forecasts for the day, and after last year, the BAA was looking to get everyone out sooner in case the weather got ugly. We made sure we were right behind the blue wave, among the first yellows to get out. Louise and I were very happy to see some friendly faces at the start!!

(My face when I see John J. for a hug at mile 0.0!!)

Sooo... it was humid. And my training on the course had allowed me to study and learn it well, knowing when to hold back and when to push. I also know I have a track record (HA) of nausea and pukage when conditions are warmer than I'm used to. I also knew I had the world's best kid waiting for me on the other end, and I didn't want to go home sick to her.

I spent the whole race worrying about whether I was going to be sick for her. "Hold back. Hold back. Hold back. Well, crap. Don't hold back that much. Hold back. Ok you can run one 8:30. Hold back! You're going to regret this. Crap, another 8:30. Hold back. Hold back." .... FOR HOURS.

I got to the halfway feeling good, but kind of knowing that the humidity was causing me to work harder than I'd have liked, for the times I was churning out. Who knows. Wasn't it supposed to rain later? Man that sun was hot. Meh. "Put one foot in front of the ooothhherrrrr!" Hold back.

So happy to find my cheer squad at mile 13.4! I would have missed them if it wasn't for Jen's awesome sign!

I chugged along, still kind of knowing that I was working harder than I should be, but thinking it could be ok. My pace was reasonably on track, and not ahead of track. "Hold back. Hold back." I was so happy to successfully find my mom at the Newton Fire House, and was ready to tackle those hills! I remembered from training that the first hill at 17 is the biggest, and giggled remembering my running buddy's groaning from a month earlier. If I could do it then, I could do it now. I felt strong. Hold back.

Then I found my dad at 20, and I still wasn't worried about the Newton Hills. I took on Heartbreak fairly easily, thinking this really might be ok. "Hold back. Hold back." I found another friend at the top of Heartbreak, and thought "This is it! You made it! You don't have to hold back anymore!" All I had to do was run a 9 minute pace for the last 5 miles and I'd run a 3:59. "Go! Go! Go! ...." Annnnnd on came the nausea. I might puke. Welp, that's that.

Around 20 I noticed that I didn't want to drink any more water, and more fuel was definitely not going to sit well. This had happened before though, and I shrugged it off. Maybe that last push over Heartbreak brought my lactic acid up enough to do me in.

The last 5 were a struggle. The 3:59 that had been within reach quickly became 4:07. NO. I was not going to edge on a stupid 4:09 AGAIN. (I'm nothing if not consistent?! Sheesh!) But I also didn't want to go home sick to Zoe. My 9:11 pace slowed to a 10-11 minute run/walk in the last 5 miles. It finally started to rain and I welcomed the cool breeze, but it was too late. I was already on the verge of puking. I approached the "1 mile to go" sign and told myself NO MORE WALKING and swore this was the gutsiest race I had ever run (it always feels that way in the moment) and that if my XC coach from high school knew how I felt, he would be proud.

I got to mile 26 down the longest stretch of Boylston EVER, and my watch read 4:03:38. This meant I had 1:20 to run the last 0.2, which is faster than an 8 minute pace, when I was already feeling like I was going to puke. "DIG DEEP," I told myself -- "just do the best you can, and *maybe* you can hit that backup time of 4:04. Probably not, but you won't get it if you don't try. GO!"

4:05:08. It was so frustrating. SO much frustration over a matter of seconds- that's what Boston does to you. (You can see me check my watch as I cross the finish at the end of this super cool Adidas video)

Stopping after the finish, I immediately felt like I was going to pass out. Blood pressure can drop a lot when you stop running. I really didn't want to get stuck in cold wet clothes- I just needed to get back to the MVS bus so I could change and go home. But man those wheelchairs looked inviting. I accepted a medal, a snack bag, and a space blanket, but passed on the heavy 16oz bottle of water and banana that I swear would have taken me down. Those volunteers are awesome.

Just... find... the bus....

I was very sweetly greeted by an awesome crew of Striders, and John J and another MVSer guided me back to the bus. The world was swirling around me. "I might need a bag to throw up in," I begged poor John, who took such good care of me. My dad was eagerly waiting outside the bus as planned to drive me back. Luckily for everyone, when I sat down, the blood was able to return to my extremities as my blood pressure returned to normal, and I didn't end up needing the bag John got for me. Somehow I changed and made it out to my dad's car after what felt like an eternity, and we made the drive home.

I hobbled into the garage, opened the door, and the best kid ever was sitting there, waiting to greet me like an adorable puppy. I put on my best game face and gave her a big hug before continuing to hobble upstairs. I got in the shower, and sat down.

Ugh. I just needed to sit, right? Maybe if I just sit here for another minute... just one more minute...

"MOM!? ARE YOU OK?!"

Yep. I think. Just one more minute...

Eventually I made it out and thought if I could just get some food in me, maybe I'd be ok. And you know what? It was ok. Barely. I'd barely made it back to the bus, barely made it without puking,  barely made it out to dinner- if I'd pushed it anymore, I'm not sure any of those things would have been true, and I really didn't want to do that to Zoe.

"Are you putting me to bed?" she asked me that night.
"Oh sweetie, Dad's going to put you to bed."
"But I want to be with the marathon girl!"

How can you say no to that?! This is why I'd held back. I wanted to be there for her.

I'd done the best I could. But where had I gone wrong? Boston 2019 was a tough day for a lot of people. It's really hard to transition from training at 30 degrees to running in sunny 65 degrees with humidity. If your body is acclimated to the temperature like a Kenyan, it's different. Training for Boston in chilly Boston winters is tough.

My legs were totally fine. I ran several times that week at fast paces, seemingly trying to convince myself that I was, in fact, more in shape than a 4:05 at Boston. AGGHHHH

I read somewhere that temps around 65 can decrease your performance by 4%. 4% of 4:05 would give me a 3:55. Rawr. I also read that the average finish time this year was 4 minutes faster than last year. So I'm average?! Because last year I ran a 4:09, and this year I ran a 4:05. Average. Psh. All those changes and I'm just maintaining last year's fitness?? AGGGGHHHHHHH

I spent the next few weeks not being able to get out of my head, convinced there was something wrong with me. This was more than "You're just getting older," which several people tried to tell me. Why was puking my thing?? Stupid lactic acid.

In the meantime, the Vermont marathon in Burlington is looming just around the corner. I ran 20 yesterday which was ok until about mile 16, when I puttered out, and then spent the next 3 hours on the couch/ in bed. Whaaaattttt was I doinggggg???

And then I ran a 5K this morning and ran a great time, especially considering yesterday's long run. Maybe I would be ok...

Fingers crossed for agreeable weather in Burlington, 3 weeks from today. If breaking 4 at Boston means giving up more time with this girl, (or giving up more sleep, or neglecting my job, etc) then it's not something I need. This is what running 40-50 miles a week gets me. During the school year, at least, I will not ever have time for 70-80 mile weeks without letting something else go.

Mom running. Anything for this kid!

The Long Term

Boston 2019.

Recently during training, I've been thinking a lot about a post our MVS track coach Sharon posted about a month ago. She got it from another coach friend from the UK:

"Athletes.... overestimate what they can do in the SHORT TERM,
but underestimate what they can do in the LONG TERM.

Short term and instant gratification is definitely a scourge of modern day life. Businesses, politicians and endurance athletes are all guilty of this behaviour.

Sustainable fitness takes years to develop and the process of doing so is not glamorous. Every single “breakthrough” workout where you bust your previous PB (and share on Facebook or Instagram) is accompanied by dozens and dozens of “humdrum” workouts which provide the foundation.

The possibilities for your future fitness are limitless. It’s true that you are only restricted by your mindset. Yes, there are genetic limits to what most of us can achieve but most of us don’t even come close to reaching those limits.

If I can share some advice as a coach (and if you are wondering, an athlete who has also had his share of chasing unrealistic goals) this is it….

Have compassion for your body, especially if you are recovering from injury, illness or you are just getting older
Be patient and understand that you can’t outrun a bad diet or outdo your physiology
Think about what happens beyond your next event
Be cautious about your short term goals and reckless with your long term goals
Focus on sustainable long term health and know that when you get the basics right the great performances will follow
Forget about the clock and emphasise mastery of the process." - Simon Ward

How many small changes have been made over the years that can help long term progress? (This mindset/ side effect of running is one of my favorites.)

1. It started 10 years ago with a friend convincing me to run a half marathon. I'll never forget the first day she "made" me run 9 miles and I was terrified and pained and ate so much bacon after. (*Ok so it really started 20 years ago when I ran in high school, but there was a 5-6 year hiatus after that, so does it really count? Meh.)

2. 8 years ago, I signed up for my first marathon. I set out for the first time with my water belt to run 10 miles on a hot summer day and thought, "WHAT was I THINKING?!?"

3. 7 years ago, I joined a track club and ran my second marathon.

4. Then we had Zoe. This was a whole different brand of running. I ran 7 marathons, all around 4 hours, and 4 days/wk of running 30 miles/wk. 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017. It turns out if you do the same thing over and over again, your results stay the same. :) 3:59. 4:10. 4:09. 3:57. 4:12. I ran some fast halfs (halves? Halfs.) but there is a big difference between running a 1:45 half and a 4 hour marathon. Getting over that 16 mile glycogen slump is tricky.

(Remember Coach Tom Derderian's quote on NPR? "It is not that hard for a healthy person to move her body over 26 miles. The real trick, and the real challenge, is to do so quickly.")

Last year I found it within me to make little changes without upending the balance of time with Zoe and school responsibilities, etc.
     5. I ran 5 days a week instead of 4.
     6. I'd go out and run 6 miles at a time instead of 5.
     7. I ran 15 milers on my cut-back weeks instead of 12.
     8. I bought a treadmill. These filled in the gaps when it had previously been too dark, too cold, too snow-stormy, whatever, to be able to run or make it to the gym.

Those changes resulted in another 4:09 at Boston 2018 but with a 27mph headwind, personally I translate to a time drop of at least 10 minutes ;) CHANGE MY MIND.

This year has brought a totally different routine of getting to pick Zoe up from kindergarten!! at 2:45, changing my availability at school, and meaning I have to find more creative ways to fit in the miles. I've been managing to run 4-5 days a week. Mostly. BUT,

     9. I'm running track, which I have not done during a marathon training season since 2012.
    10. I'm running 20's every weekend, whereas I used to run 20-12-20-12-20.
    11. I always run the day after the long run, which I did inconsistently in the past. (And you know what? It's not that bad. It's actually nice since the last few miles I banged out were at the end of a 20 miler when I felt simply terrible, and the next day is a terrific reminder that this too shall pass!!)

It's hard to say what results this plan will bring, since my legs are definitely tired. Running track workouts on Thursdays makes for interesting Saturday long runs, and 3-20 miler's in a row has worn me out too.

Speaking of tired, I ran from Hopkinton to the base of Heartbreak Hill yesterday (20.5 miles- I'd forgotten that Heartbreak was at 21. How many times have we done this now?) - and it was...Boston. I knew it would be hard, and it didn't disappoint. Again, the first 5 miles of the course are downhill, which destroys your quads due to eccentric quad contraction. It's tough to find a route that mimics this, so training on the course is essential. I held back, knowing what was coming, and thank goodness I did. The halfway into Wellesley is also downhill, which always brings this unsettling feeling that the Newton hills are looming just around the corner.

("What goes down, must come up," I thought. "Wait... no. What comes down must go up?... No... What comes up, must go down? Oh for crying out loud.")

The Boston Marathon route is not pretty through the first half. Hopkinton and Ashland aren't bad, but there's a pretty long stretch through Framingham that's run down and/or commercialized. And yet, of course, we love it.

There's the pub on the left where everyone is out drinking at 11am. There's Brasili's restaurant in Framingham which always reminds me of Mike Brassil, and the Framingham train station. There's the hill where a very large man in a Santa suit stands every year. There's where the Wellesley girls cheer, and there's the church steeple that means I'm within minutes of finding Jon, Zoe, Jen, and Brooke at mile 14. There's the Wellesley library... there's Whole Foods... there's the Wellesley library... wait. There's 2 Wellesley libraries? ... There's where Jon and I stood in Wellesley the year of the bombing. There's the Newton Fire House.

Pulling up to the Newton-Wellesley hospital, and approaching the Newton Fire House, I always get the same mixed emotions. This is it. This is why we came. It's about to get EXCITING. But also, an image of Dustin Hoffman playing Hook, sharpening his hook on a stone while pinning Robin Williams/Peter Pan under the other arm, as he sneers in a British accent, "This is really going to hurt."

Yep. It sure did yesterday. My legs were so done, but also I'd forgotten to eat during the run. I need to get my race fueling back under control. My dad and I found each other around mile 20.5, as Heartbreak came into view. I'd set out to do 20, had done it, and wasn't feeling great. I considered trekking up the hill, considered the fact that I'd been faced with a similar choice last year and had fallen, and decided to get in the car. It wasn't a fail. I'd set out to do 20, and had underestimated how far Heartbreak was. I'll get it next time.

I giggled at some song lyrics I listened to yesterday, twisting them for what I needed: (Animals by Neon Trees.)

Here we are again
I feel the chemicals kickin' in
It's gettin' heavier
I wanna run and hide
I wanna run and hide
I do it every time
You're killin' me now
And I won't be denied by you
The animal inside of you

Oh, oh

I want some more

Oh, oh

What are you waitin' for?

Take a bite of (*Heartbreak) tonight

I think that's enough for tonight.

"Best wishes, and see you out there in 10 years time." -Simon Ward